That gave me chills. Wow. My dad wrote all of the time but wasn't published and I have an idea to work on publishing some of his work but of course I'm not quite ready to do that yet. Do you think you'll ever do anything with your dad's last book?
I am so sorry that he had that medical experience. I have a million stories about that kind of stuff but suffice to say I understand and I wish neither of us knew that story. <3
We actually did donate my dad to medical science 🤣 it was our compromise because he always said “don’t waste money on a funeral - bury me in sawdust in the backyard” ... sounds like both of our dads were interesting humans :) so .... did you burn the writing?
Aw that's so sweet ... my dad never wrote down children's stories but he was always making them up to tell us when we were kids. Maybe I'm your long lost sister?!?!?!
This is beautiful, Kathryn. I recognise that death-in-waiting anxiety. My partner has been in a similar emotional state since both her parents had life-saving surgeries while she was a teenager. That feeling that this year, this visit, might be her last has been with her for almost 40 years.
You write so beautifully. I wish I was in a position to upgrade my subscription. Yours will be the first I upgrade when I’m able.
I know you’re intending to edit this at some point in the future, but I really appreciate being able to read the raw version first. Sending you love. ❤️
Thank you so very much for all of this support but especially for sharing your partner's story because it is a story that I haven't really found a lot of people understand. There are variations on it where people can understand "enough" because obviously chronic / fatal illness is a prevalent thing ... but this experience of truly believing it's the end for a parent for decades is a really bizarre thing. I am grateful for every extra day we had beyond that first diagnosis but it doesn't make it any easier to go through all of that and it makes the whole death experience very ... different. <3
You’re really not alone in this experience, Kathryn. I know another family friend who has lived much of her life with the same perpetual grief-in-waiting. And her mother is now in her mid 90s.
I see the anxiety in my partner every single day. Ever since I’ve known her, every time she goes to visit, she says it might be the last time. We’ve been together for 15 years. It does have an impact on her. It’s a constant tension and anxiety. I genuinely believe it’s caused her a form of low level PTSD. She really wasn’t even aware of it until I pointed it out to her (very gently).
My own story is different but parallel. I’ve been in grief for my mother for over a decade, since I finally recognised how destructive her behaviour is to me, and removed myself from her circle. It’s still grief of a sort, but I’m grieving for someone who’s still living. Or for someone who never truly existed in the form that I thought/needed. That’s a hard one to get your head around too. Like you, I haven’t found many people who understand it, but there are a few.
Thank you for reminding me I’m not alone in this. I do also have my siblings who understand in the deepest way. And it sounds like your partner has a good partner in you 💙
Big hugs for your own family story. Sometimes those choices have to be made and it’s a really painful unusual kind of grief. 💙💙💙
I've thought about getting a tattoo many times in the past few decades, but I never knew what image I would want. This story brings me much closer to the possibility. I love the idea of the semicolon, both for how you've expressed its meaning and because I, too, am a writer. I've always loved the semicolon and have cringed when I've seen it misused. So... we shall see.
I had known about the semicolon idea for a little while but it was just kind of there in the back of my mind without any intention to get it myself. And then I just knew that's what I really wanted to do. <3
Kathryn, thank you for sharing this with us today. This is powerful stuff, and I hope it helps you to figure out what's next for you. I have been tiptoeing around some deeply personal stuff myself lately with my own writing, and your experience here gives me additional courage.
I did not know about the semicolon symbolism! That is really cool.
Thank you for sharing this. Like you I had never considered getting a tattoo. Several months after my husband died I began thinking about it and searching for possible designs, none of which particularly inspired me. To make a long story short, I walked into the tattoo shop with a handwritten card from my husband. The lady artist used carbon paper for a temporary of his unique signature. She told me to go home and think about it. I came back in an hour and said DO IT.
It now resides above my left wrist, inside where I see it easily. This is one of the very few things I could control in the aftermath of his death.
Thank you for sharing your story. What a really beautiful choice for your tattoo. I'm glad that his words can be with you there every day. And exactly what you said - it was a thing you could control in the face of so much that we cannot.
As you can see in one of the images of the post, I have my dad's handwritten journals, and they have helped me through this journey as well. <3
Kathryn, I am so sorry for all you have been through. This is a beautiful piece on your struggles and the effects of the grief of losing a parent. Big hugs to you for sharing this moving piece.
Kathryn, he is not suffering now. Rest in that. Trust in that. It is okay to feel that relief amidst your grief. I've read many books on grief, because it's played a big part in my life, the one that stands out as the best is "The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying" by Sogyal Rinpoche. I love the Buddhist perspectives on life and dying. You might find it helpful.
Such a moving account of loss, Kathryn. Thank you for sharing, though I know it won’t have been easy. I’m picking up a personal writing project again and it’s posts like yours that give me the confidence to get the words down.
That’s interesting about the semicolon. As a teen, I got a symbol on my back, then had it covered a few years ago with a large rose surrounded by forget-me-nots 💛
I'm always intrigued by tattoo coverups because the original is still in there but you've turned it into something new which I think is a great metaphor for so much of what we experience in life.
You'll do great with your personal writing project as you work on it. <3
This is so moving, so good, so brave. I lost my mother last November and don't think I could write about it yet. I lost my father in 2020 - I was still on the plane from Hong Kong to England to see him in the hospital when he slipped away. Still too raw for me to write much about that also, but your wonderful writing makes me think I want to try.
I love semi-colons, but I didn't know about their use as a mental health symbol. My thanks and above all, my condolences.
Thank you so much for your kind words and I'm sorry about your losses. There are things I'm definitely not ready to write about with this yet but there are bits and pieces that I'm beginning to feel it's helpful to write through. It's a process. If and when you do begin to write about yours, keep me in mind as I'd welcome being a reader for that. <3
I think this is a beautiful piece of writing, and so truthful in all senses of that word. I hadn’t read about the semi colon being a symbol of mental health struggles before, but it is perfect. Sending love to you.
Thank you for sharing your personal and heartfelt piece. I love the idea of the semicolon and I hope you continue to feel better.
In the past there was little that anyone could do for someone who was sick. So there was a more fatalistic attitude (though I am sure it was heartrending when someone became unwell and you had no treatment). Nowadays, with amazing advances in surgery and drugs we seem to have swung the other way. Nobody is allowed to die. When I was nursing I actually saw in a text book the expression ‘negative patient outcome'. There needs to be weighty discussion about what we, and the medical profession need to do about our situation.
But your father was dying and he wanted to die at home, surrounded by his family. You gave him his wish. My husband was only 59 when he died. He also wanted to die at home. He could have been taken to hospital, and perhaps lived a few more months, but he was able to make the choice and he did. It was very hard for me to accept but I understood and supported him. He died at home, peacefully, in my arms.
In the end, if the person is dying and they make their wishes known, we should respect them, as you did, even though it is so hard to do.
Thank you for sharing that. I am so sorry that you went through that with your husband. That had to be difficult. And I'm also glad for you that you were able to give that experience to him at the end.
I think the way that it worked out with my dad was the way that it needed to and the way that he wanted. It was really hard to know because he had a lifetime of major illness and he also had mental health stuff going on. There were other times we thought were the end and he said he wanted to be the end and then he survived and he was glad that he did. In the moment, it's really hard to know.
In the end, my brother took him to the hospital and even the doctors didn't think that they could save him but they did in the sense of prolonging his life. As you said, we have swung so far that way. My grandfather wanted to die before he did, not from depression or anything like that, but because he was nearly 100 years old and had lived a full life and felt done. Caring for the elderly in our society doesn't allow for that option even though he was in a very clear mind about it.
In any case, what was good about my dad being saved that night is that it meant that my sister and I were both able to fly in and be there with my brother and my dad at the end. We were able to spend time together and take my dad back home. My dad's greatest pride in life was not just us "kids" but that we have all remained so close with one another, and I know that this ending was what he wanted. <3 <3 <3
A beautiful piece. I had no idea about the semicolon thing and I love it!
Your writing made me think of my own dad’s death in 2009 and has me wondering whether I’d find comfort in writing about him, as you have about yours. And I actually think I would. Thanks for that.
Thank you for sharing. I am nine months into mourning my own father. I'm still writing about it in a fictionalized way, which is useful but only a way of coping, really.
I can see how that would be a useful tool for coping. We just passed the ten month mark of losing my dad so we're in a similar time frame with it. I feel like I'm processing it for the most part but also like it's something that will continue to change shape and meaning for me for years to come.
That gave me chills. Wow. My dad wrote all of the time but wasn't published and I have an idea to work on publishing some of his work but of course I'm not quite ready to do that yet. Do you think you'll ever do anything with your dad's last book?
I am so sorry that he had that medical experience. I have a million stories about that kind of stuff but suffice to say I understand and I wish neither of us knew that story. <3
We actually did donate my dad to medical science 🤣 it was our compromise because he always said “don’t waste money on a funeral - bury me in sawdust in the backyard” ... sounds like both of our dads were interesting humans :) so .... did you burn the writing?
Aw that's so sweet ... my dad never wrote down children's stories but he was always making them up to tell us when we were kids. Maybe I'm your long lost sister?!?!?!
This is beautiful, Kathryn. I recognise that death-in-waiting anxiety. My partner has been in a similar emotional state since both her parents had life-saving surgeries while she was a teenager. That feeling that this year, this visit, might be her last has been with her for almost 40 years.
You write so beautifully. I wish I was in a position to upgrade my subscription. Yours will be the first I upgrade when I’m able.
I know you’re intending to edit this at some point in the future, but I really appreciate being able to read the raw version first. Sending you love. ❤️
Thank you so very much for all of this support but especially for sharing your partner's story because it is a story that I haven't really found a lot of people understand. There are variations on it where people can understand "enough" because obviously chronic / fatal illness is a prevalent thing ... but this experience of truly believing it's the end for a parent for decades is a really bizarre thing. I am grateful for every extra day we had beyond that first diagnosis but it doesn't make it any easier to go through all of that and it makes the whole death experience very ... different. <3
You’re really not alone in this experience, Kathryn. I know another family friend who has lived much of her life with the same perpetual grief-in-waiting. And her mother is now in her mid 90s.
I see the anxiety in my partner every single day. Ever since I’ve known her, every time she goes to visit, she says it might be the last time. We’ve been together for 15 years. It does have an impact on her. It’s a constant tension and anxiety. I genuinely believe it’s caused her a form of low level PTSD. She really wasn’t even aware of it until I pointed it out to her (very gently).
My own story is different but parallel. I’ve been in grief for my mother for over a decade, since I finally recognised how destructive her behaviour is to me, and removed myself from her circle. It’s still grief of a sort, but I’m grieving for someone who’s still living. Or for someone who never truly existed in the form that I thought/needed. That’s a hard one to get your head around too. Like you, I haven’t found many people who understand it, but there are a few.
Big love to you, Kathryn.
Thank you for reminding me I’m not alone in this. I do also have my siblings who understand in the deepest way. And it sounds like your partner has a good partner in you 💙
Big hugs for your own family story. Sometimes those choices have to be made and it’s a really painful unusual kind of grief. 💙💙💙
I've thought about getting a tattoo many times in the past few decades, but I never knew what image I would want. This story brings me much closer to the possibility. I love the idea of the semicolon, both for how you've expressed its meaning and because I, too, am a writer. I've always loved the semicolon and have cringed when I've seen it misused. So... we shall see.
I had known about the semicolon idea for a little while but it was just kind of there in the back of my mind without any intention to get it myself. And then I just knew that's what I really wanted to do. <3
Feeling your sadness 💜
Thank you. <3
Kathryn, thank you for sharing this with us today. This is powerful stuff, and I hope it helps you to figure out what's next for you. I have been tiptoeing around some deeply personal stuff myself lately with my own writing, and your experience here gives me additional courage.
I did not know about the semicolon symbolism! That is really cool.
It's a really powerful little symbol. <3
I hope that you find your way through the writing of the challenging stuff - whether to share with others or just for yourself. <3
Thanks, Kathryn, for being you!
✨💜
Thank you for sharing this heartbreaking, but beautiful story.
Thank you for reading. <3
Thank you for sharing this. Like you I had never considered getting a tattoo. Several months after my husband died I began thinking about it and searching for possible designs, none of which particularly inspired me. To make a long story short, I walked into the tattoo shop with a handwritten card from my husband. The lady artist used carbon paper for a temporary of his unique signature. She told me to go home and think about it. I came back in an hour and said DO IT.
It now resides above my left wrist, inside where I see it easily. This is one of the very few things I could control in the aftermath of his death.
Thank you for sharing your story. What a really beautiful choice for your tattoo. I'm glad that his words can be with you there every day. And exactly what you said - it was a thing you could control in the face of so much that we cannot.
As you can see in one of the images of the post, I have my dad's handwritten journals, and they have helped me through this journey as well. <3
Kathryn, I am so sorry for all you have been through. This is a beautiful piece on your struggles and the effects of the grief of losing a parent. Big hugs to you for sharing this moving piece.
Very grateful for your comment. <3
My mom passed in 1987 and my dad in 1995. I fully understand the pains of knowing a parent is suffering and of grief.
It’s a weird grief because of course I’m also glad he’s not suffering now (presumably)
Kathryn, he is not suffering now. Rest in that. Trust in that. It is okay to feel that relief amidst your grief. I've read many books on grief, because it's played a big part in my life, the one that stands out as the best is "The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying" by Sogyal Rinpoche. I love the Buddhist perspectives on life and dying. You might find it helpful.
Thank you. I'm familiar with the book but it's been a long time since I took a look at it. It would likely be helpful. <3 <3 <3
Keeping you in the light... <3
Such a moving account of loss, Kathryn. Thank you for sharing, though I know it won’t have been easy. I’m picking up a personal writing project again and it’s posts like yours that give me the confidence to get the words down.
That’s interesting about the semicolon. As a teen, I got a symbol on my back, then had it covered a few years ago with a large rose surrounded by forget-me-nots 💛
I'm always intrigued by tattoo coverups because the original is still in there but you've turned it into something new which I think is a great metaphor for so much of what we experience in life.
You'll do great with your personal writing project as you work on it. <3
This is so moving, so good, so brave. I lost my mother last November and don't think I could write about it yet. I lost my father in 2020 - I was still on the plane from Hong Kong to England to see him in the hospital when he slipped away. Still too raw for me to write much about that also, but your wonderful writing makes me think I want to try.
I love semi-colons, but I didn't know about their use as a mental health symbol. My thanks and above all, my condolences.
Thank you so much for your kind words and I'm sorry about your losses. There are things I'm definitely not ready to write about with this yet but there are bits and pieces that I'm beginning to feel it's helpful to write through. It's a process. If and when you do begin to write about yours, keep me in mind as I'd welcome being a reader for that. <3
I think this is a beautiful piece of writing, and so truthful in all senses of that word. I hadn’t read about the semi colon being a symbol of mental health struggles before, but it is perfect. Sending love to you.
Thank you so much for your kind thoughts. ; ; ;
I love the tattoo and the reasoning. Don't edit. It's beautiful as it is.
Aw, I appreciate that a lot.
Thank you for sharing your personal and heartfelt piece. I love the idea of the semicolon and I hope you continue to feel better.
In the past there was little that anyone could do for someone who was sick. So there was a more fatalistic attitude (though I am sure it was heartrending when someone became unwell and you had no treatment). Nowadays, with amazing advances in surgery and drugs we seem to have swung the other way. Nobody is allowed to die. When I was nursing I actually saw in a text book the expression ‘negative patient outcome'. There needs to be weighty discussion about what we, and the medical profession need to do about our situation.
But your father was dying and he wanted to die at home, surrounded by his family. You gave him his wish. My husband was only 59 when he died. He also wanted to die at home. He could have been taken to hospital, and perhaps lived a few more months, but he was able to make the choice and he did. It was very hard for me to accept but I understood and supported him. He died at home, peacefully, in my arms.
In the end, if the person is dying and they make their wishes known, we should respect them, as you did, even though it is so hard to do.
Thank you for sharing that. I am so sorry that you went through that with your husband. That had to be difficult. And I'm also glad for you that you were able to give that experience to him at the end.
I think the way that it worked out with my dad was the way that it needed to and the way that he wanted. It was really hard to know because he had a lifetime of major illness and he also had mental health stuff going on. There were other times we thought were the end and he said he wanted to be the end and then he survived and he was glad that he did. In the moment, it's really hard to know.
In the end, my brother took him to the hospital and even the doctors didn't think that they could save him but they did in the sense of prolonging his life. As you said, we have swung so far that way. My grandfather wanted to die before he did, not from depression or anything like that, but because he was nearly 100 years old and had lived a full life and felt done. Caring for the elderly in our society doesn't allow for that option even though he was in a very clear mind about it.
In any case, what was good about my dad being saved that night is that it meant that my sister and I were both able to fly in and be there with my brother and my dad at the end. We were able to spend time together and take my dad back home. My dad's greatest pride in life was not just us "kids" but that we have all remained so close with one another, and I know that this ending was what he wanted. <3 <3 <3
A beautiful piece. I had no idea about the semicolon thing and I love it!
Your writing made me think of my own dad’s death in 2009 and has me wondering whether I’d find comfort in writing about him, as you have about yours. And I actually think I would. Thanks for that.
I am glad that I could inspire you to think about that. I hope that you find solace in the writing. And if you ever want to share, I'm here for that.
Thank you for sharing. I am nine months into mourning my own father. I'm still writing about it in a fictionalized way, which is useful but only a way of coping, really.
I can see how that would be a useful tool for coping. We just passed the ten month mark of losing my dad so we're in a similar time frame with it. I feel like I'm processing it for the most part but also like it's something that will continue to change shape and meaning for me for years to come.
We’re 10 months in too. ✨🙏
Hugs hugs hugs. It’s one of those “it’s been so long and how has it already been this long” weird things.
It really is.
Sending love, beautiful writing and bravery. ✨🙏
Thank you. Much love 💙