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Kathryn, this metaphor of the passenger on the bus rings so true for me! I also recently decided to let depression on the bus. To give it to myself. In other words - Im allowed to have depression. I don't have to be perfect all the time. Or happy! Then to say "hello" to depression, let it know that I recognize it. And then listen. And re-frame. Have a conversation.

Since Jan 1st I have been counting days that I have not picked up self hatred, just like I have counted my years without picking up a drink. The realization that I pick up depression as a drug to change my mood was pretty life-changing. It doesn't mean depression doesn't show up, but it means I can talk to it, not allow it to rule me.

If I cant do anything to lessen the blow. I can submit with wisdom. I am allowed to have a day off, a day where I can't get out of bed. I give it to myself as a gift.

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I think that this is a valuable reframe and am so glad that you are giving it to yourself.

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In non-depression mode, I meander along, doing my thing. I have good days and bad days—you know, life. When major depression hits, it feels like someone has picked up and thrown off a cliff or down a well. That is the metaphor that sticks with me.

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Down a well makes a lot of sense to me. Cold, dark, heavy. Big hugs.

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Hi, Kathryn. Thanks for sharing this very vulnerable account. I learned some things about you that I was unaware of. Know that I will always be one of your biggest fans. Keep hope alive my friend. Peace

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I appreciate that so much. Thanks for being here. <3

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Jan 29Liked by Kathryn Vercillo

I like that bus metaphor - it really makes a lot of sense. I also recognise the conversations you have with it when you see it waiting....

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Thank you, I feel seen <3 <3

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Jan 29·edited Jan 29Liked by Kathryn Vercillo

Brilliant brilliant metaphor. This (unsurprisingly) resonates with me deeply. The times when the rider is too noisy and can't be ignored, and you call for assistance, the times when you anticipate its arrival as the signs are there, and the times it jumps on unexpectedly...I know all of these things. It is so similar to what I tried to articulate - I cannot outrun the elephant and some days she is much heavier than others. Sometimes it's ok just to lie with her, and sometimes it really isn't. I love the 'curiosity' quote - why are you here today? What do you want from me today?...when we have the mental strength to consider those questions. Also, a massive thank you for your hugely generous sharing of my elephant, I am so touched that it has resonated so strongly with you. Oh, and I recently took up crochet...and I have the tattoo on my wrist that my brother (who died) had... I feel we would have much to chat about. Sending you much love x

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Oh we definitely have so much to chat about. I am sorry for the loss of your brother. And thrilled you've taken up crochet - happy to help with that in any way I can if questions or need for resources comes up. Most of my work is in crochet for healing so I care a lot more about process than precision or product but I do know tons of resources.

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Jan 29Liked by Kathryn Vercillo

I like the analogy. I've learned to embrace those dark feelings whenever they arrive (not forever, just for a little while). I tend to need to feel gloomy, and that can even include a bit of a negative outlook on the world. I have music playlists for exactly this time, and I don't shy away from it. The thoughts happen, and I allow them to consume me... but for a time. They're important thoughts and I don't want to ignore them, but I eventually do want to put them into their proper context.

To do that, I have to allow them their time. The bus rider analogy suits my life well.

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I love this idea of having music playlists for these times. <3

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Jan 29Liked by Kathryn Vercillo

I have 2 I'll generally listen to. One is just called "Creepy and Dark", and I have everything from classical piano (Erik Satie is my favorite) to metal (Neurosis, EG) to blues (St James Infirmary Blues- five or six different versions). The other is all crust punk or very closely related stuff, and it's all grim and dark. I love them both for these times.

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"creepy and dark" is a great name for a playlist <3

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i’m a DJ .. can’t play a lick of music myself..

but my playlists rock the casbah ..

try Alabama Shakes - Youtube, Live, ‘Hold On’

& get back to me .. ps crank the volume

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Kathryn, I love the bus metaphor. I've been stuck in the shorter days mode of depression, SAD, that hits me every winter on top of my GAD and situational depression. All that on top of surgery recovery and CFS/Fibro flare. Ugh. Thanks for this post.

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I know it's been a really rough time for you. Winter is hard. Allow yourself to hibernate as much as you can. Spring will come!

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What took me out of the Manic Depressive cycle was an accident at the swimming pool. Having dived from the highest board I hit the bottom so hard, I had to be rescued. Two results----- The high board was dismantled... and.... I likened the incident to my life...... whenever I felt an onset of delirious happiness, I would say to myself - "the higher one climbs, the harder one falls". Took a year or two to reduce a weekly bout of upto three days of anguished depression, to one of max 3 hrs a month.... Nowadays, when it rarely hits, I say "OK, so I'm down now, but I'll soon be up" .... Max five minutes and I'm chuckling..

BTW Katherine, here's a better link than the other one I sent you......

https://suzannetaylor.substack.com/an-essay-comtest-is-launched

Let me know what you think Please, Peace, Maurice

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Thank you for sharing all of this.

I had to laugh with relation a little to the last Dexter reference - it's one of my favourite shows and before I understood a lot more of my neurology, could easily feel like I related far too much with Dexter sometimes... Without the murder of course!

But it reminded me of what I wrote here - because I call whats inside of me most days The Dark Driver because unfortunately, most days, I'm the passenger just being driven round. I'm learning more how to take the wheel, to be able to press the stop button and maybe take different routes but it's a process.

https://open.substack.com/pub/thethoughtlibrary/p/everything-is-upside-down-and-the

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Looking forward to reading this tomorrow after classes.

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😊 Now I'm going to watch Dexter (again) but explore it differently with the new knowledge I have of myself.

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Did you watch the reboot season? I only got about halfway through it then lost interest but sometimes that's just a timing thing.

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I did - I think I've seen it all. I'd probably have to re-watch to make sure. I think it was good but just wasn't the Dexter we all know and love. I definitely missed Deb in New Blood.

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When my depression was at its worst, I likened it to looking for canyons at the bottom of the Mariana Trench (the deepest part of the ocean). That far down, it's completely dark and the pressure is very intense. One wrong mood and you implode.

Now, my depression is all but gone, since I'm no longer my mother's caregiver. Anxiety pops in to say hello every now and again, reminding me that I need to eat more regularly. I'm much more balanced when I'm properly nourished.

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This was an intellectually scintillating post. Conceiving depression in metaphoric terms opens up an understanding of one's personal cosmology, and the many different metaphors and images that live there. For me, my depression was a desert through which blew a bleak wind that sucked away at me leaving me an empty shell where that wind swirled inside. I became a hollow Ozymandias. I think this a brilliantly generative way of thinking about depression.

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This is a fabulous metaphor, may borrow and use!

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I don’t suffer from any Mood Disorders per DSM 4 or 5

Have however Produced, Directed, Written, Shot, Edited more CME - Accredited Continuing Medical Education in that regard than anyone you’ll ever meet. Did not set out with any such thing in mind.. was strictly ‘happenstance’ at work or in play.. can say the same re Migraine sadly

Feel free to take any advantage or insight I might offer.. having said that..

Have an open mind, a great listener & reader.. big on altruism, empathy & compassion - yet despite early beginnings as a feral child - no mom no dad .. ‘realism’ defines me as much as ‘optimism’

This joint is chockablock with ‘opinionated and/or aggrieved persons’ but damned if those suffering silently or in obvious pain due to their personal health & wellbeing will ever fit that category in my perspective or my experience.. amen 🏴‍☠️🦎

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Oct 30Liked by Kathryn Vercillo

I find metaphors for depression really helpful in learning to live with it, and I love this one and the sense of empowerment it provides. I'd love to write about my own experience in creating metaphors for depression and reference this piece, if that's okay with you!

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Of course! I look forward to reading yours. The more ways we have to talk about depression the better

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