Oh this is achingly familiar. It is good not to feel alone in the decisions that have to be made and the puzzle caused by the ebb and flow of energy. Thank you for writing this x
Thank you for reading. I'm glad it resonates. I often find that the very things I think I'm most alone in are the things that other people are thinking and not saying.
What a terrific metaphor, Kathryn. The ebb and flow. The sculpting and the crocheting. May the transition to the taking away reveal a verdant new wealth of fulfilling that call to write and to seek understanding. ❤️
Our stories are really similar, at least in terms of how we broke free of crap jobs we didn't want to do! I was willing to do just about everything to run a business on my own terms, ethics and practicality be damned. I also didn't make a lot, but I convinced myself that was enough to go for it. I never, ever turned back, and I certainly don't regret it, but like you, I need to revisit "old me" and check in. Do I have the same values as "old me", or is my worldview sufficiently more complex now so that those values have evolved?
That's a tougher question than I can answer now, but it's an inner journey I am beginning to take.
I'm so glad to have found you. You seem starkly aligned to how I'm thinking about my mental health and creativity, only you're further along the path than I am in terms of what you've produced. It kind of makes me feel like I have permission to keep going; or maybe not so much permission as ... I don't know really. It's not like I was going to stop. I often feel like I'd like to be seen as leading by example, and now I've found someone who's also doing that. So, as they say in AA, thank you for your example!
I absolutely understand what you're saying here. I do think that when we share our unique personal experiences it does give a kind of permission or validation to others to honor their own unique journeys as well. I'm glad I could do that in a small way.
Entirely relatable. I am a writer who didn't write Word One for about two & a half years (2017-19) because I was my mother's caregiver and significantly depressed. Then when the world shut down, I found myself writing again, like I was back in the 90s. (Science fiction is my mainline.) Inhabiting other worlds in my mind distracted me and helped lift the depression just enough for me to soldier through the worst of the pandemic.
Today, mom is being cared for by professionals, and I am dealing with Long Covid, among other challenges, while attempting to live on a shoestring budget. My current focus is on a nonfiction project that might be helpful, but when that's done, back to the (science) fiction I will go, along with some collaging.
I absolutely understand the complex relationship between writing and depression and also how that can be tied up with chronic illness, caregiving and so much more. For me, during those periods, sometimes I would write a lot but it was just really repetitive stuff that was all about process, not actually creating something that made any sense. I have a lot of half started will probably never finish things as a result. Which is okay. Process is part of creativity.
It's called "12 Steps in Shadow Work" at the moment. I have done a lot of Shadow Work on myself but didn't think I had an effective way to share it. Through my adventures in Recovery, it hit me that I could adapt the structure into something shareable, pending the proper permissions, of course.
I am reviewing my first draft notes now and should be ready to start typing for a screen by month's end.
I feel like this with my art pieces. It’s really hard to get rid of them, to edit them. They’re overwhelming in the amount of them, and where to store them, why keep them, not all of them are successes but stepping stones of creativity, and not add more to the land-fill. I’m at this crossroads of where to find my creative self in the midst of depression within. There is so little energy to be found that I have to choose what I will expend it on each day, and self-care takes a huge chunk of it.
It is such a challenge when depression limits so much ... it’s like you start the day with a deficit, already tired and overwhelmed ... and as you said have you choose amongst the things that you need and want to do before it’s impossible again. For me, it helps a lot to focus on the most nourishing things, the things that light my soul up even when it is so dark and the connections with people around me. It becomes less about getting anything done than just being as okay as I can in the moment.
I loved reading this Kathryn. “... in a place where there are so many words and jobs and phrases and ideas and projects that I’m lost in the forest of too muchness. I must edit.” I recognise the forest of too muchness - in my case too many ideas. And from photography based on abstracting from a scene, I find working with mixed media challenging as it is by contrast additive. I do think spiral is a better analogy than a circle - we never come back to the same place. It makes me think of the chambered and rising construction of a snail shell! I remember collecting tower shells as a child - they fascinated me, though I suspect my own rate of progress is more common garden!
Thank you so much for all of these thoughts. I love to collage and it makes so much sense for me because of the additive thing. A few years ago I had an art day with a friend and I made two collages and only realized after the fact that one was about minimalism and the other about maximalism and that honestly I’ve been exploring the tension between those in so many ways in my life ever since.
Oh this is achingly familiar. It is good not to feel alone in the decisions that have to be made and the puzzle caused by the ebb and flow of energy. Thank you for writing this x
Thank you for reading. I'm glad it resonates. I often find that the very things I think I'm most alone in are the things that other people are thinking and not saying.
What a terrific metaphor, Kathryn. The ebb and flow. The sculpting and the crocheting. May the transition to the taking away reveal a verdant new wealth of fulfilling that call to write and to seek understanding. ❤️
Thank you Holly. What a beautiful invitation you've offered in that last sentence. <3
Our stories are really similar, at least in terms of how we broke free of crap jobs we didn't want to do! I was willing to do just about everything to run a business on my own terms, ethics and practicality be damned. I also didn't make a lot, but I convinced myself that was enough to go for it. I never, ever turned back, and I certainly don't regret it, but like you, I need to revisit "old me" and check in. Do I have the same values as "old me", or is my worldview sufficiently more complex now so that those values have evolved?
That's a tougher question than I can answer now, but it's an inner journey I am beginning to take.
I look forward to continuing to witness your journey as you go on it and share parts of it with the world through your writing. <3
Thank you for sharing this. It is inspiring. I stuffed writing so far down that I’ve only recently realized that it is the truest thing about me.
Oh this hit me in the heart! I am so glad that you're realizing it now. I love reading your writings.
I'm so glad to have found you. You seem starkly aligned to how I'm thinking about my mental health and creativity, only you're further along the path than I am in terms of what you've produced. It kind of makes me feel like I have permission to keep going; or maybe not so much permission as ... I don't know really. It's not like I was going to stop. I often feel like I'd like to be seen as leading by example, and now I've found someone who's also doing that. So, as they say in AA, thank you for your example!
I absolutely understand what you're saying here. I do think that when we share our unique personal experiences it does give a kind of permission or validation to others to honor their own unique journeys as well. I'm glad I could do that in a small way.
Entirely relatable. I am a writer who didn't write Word One for about two & a half years (2017-19) because I was my mother's caregiver and significantly depressed. Then when the world shut down, I found myself writing again, like I was back in the 90s. (Science fiction is my mainline.) Inhabiting other worlds in my mind distracted me and helped lift the depression just enough for me to soldier through the worst of the pandemic.
Today, mom is being cared for by professionals, and I am dealing with Long Covid, among other challenges, while attempting to live on a shoestring budget. My current focus is on a nonfiction project that might be helpful, but when that's done, back to the (science) fiction I will go, along with some collaging.
I see you and honor your journey. ❤
I absolutely understand the complex relationship between writing and depression and also how that can be tied up with chronic illness, caregiving and so much more. For me, during those periods, sometimes I would write a lot but it was just really repetitive stuff that was all about process, not actually creating something that made any sense. I have a lot of half started will probably never finish things as a result. Which is okay. Process is part of creativity.
Tell me more about your nonfiction project ...
It's called "12 Steps in Shadow Work" at the moment. I have done a lot of Shadow Work on myself but didn't think I had an effective way to share it. Through my adventures in Recovery, it hit me that I could adapt the structure into something shareable, pending the proper permissions, of course.
I am reviewing my first draft notes now and should be ready to start typing for a screen by month's end.
That sounds like really powerful work 👍👍👍
I feel like this with my art pieces. It’s really hard to get rid of them, to edit them. They’re overwhelming in the amount of them, and where to store them, why keep them, not all of them are successes but stepping stones of creativity, and not add more to the land-fill. I’m at this crossroads of where to find my creative self in the midst of depression within. There is so little energy to be found that I have to choose what I will expend it on each day, and self-care takes a huge chunk of it.
It is such a challenge when depression limits so much ... it’s like you start the day with a deficit, already tired and overwhelmed ... and as you said have you choose amongst the things that you need and want to do before it’s impossible again. For me, it helps a lot to focus on the most nourishing things, the things that light my soul up even when it is so dark and the connections with people around me. It becomes less about getting anything done than just being as okay as I can in the moment.
I loved reading this Kathryn. “... in a place where there are so many words and jobs and phrases and ideas and projects that I’m lost in the forest of too muchness. I must edit.” I recognise the forest of too muchness - in my case too many ideas. And from photography based on abstracting from a scene, I find working with mixed media challenging as it is by contrast additive. I do think spiral is a better analogy than a circle - we never come back to the same place. It makes me think of the chambered and rising construction of a snail shell! I remember collecting tower shells as a child - they fascinated me, though I suspect my own rate of progress is more common garden!
Thank you so much for all of these thoughts. I love to collage and it makes so much sense for me because of the additive thing. A few years ago I had an art day with a friend and I made two collages and only realized after the fact that one was about minimalism and the other about maximalism and that honestly I’ve been exploring the tension between those in so many ways in my life ever since.
Lol. Common garden snail here as well
😂